i'm just as lost as you are

[i'm just as lost as you are]

I just found this account from 8 years ago. Every post I wrote is about pain, heartbreak, suffering, and the idea that it would never end. I was only 15.

I’m 23 now, and there’s still pain, heartbreak, and suffering. But there’s also healing and learning and growing and smiling and dancing with your friends and closing the door after hanging out with a boy and cuddling your pets and driving to a really good song.

There’s so much more I didn’t see when I was 15 because I thought struggling mentally meant I was a victim, and that I should act like it. I still feel like a victim sometimes, but I also feel strong, wise, brave, intelligent, generous, empathetic, and proud.

[i'm just as lost as you are]

Tequila

It felt like how her second grade principal described it when she was trying to blame her for the curse words written on the bathroom stalls in purple expo marker. Dr. Karanjia described it as a tight, twisted feeling in the stomach; she said that was what guilt felt like. Paige didn’t understand what she meant back in second grade because she wasn’t the one that wrote the curse words, but twelve years later as she stared blankly at her own reflection in the water of the toilet bowl in her college apartment, she understood exactly what Dr. Karanjia had meant. It was like her stomach was a hand towel that was being twisted up, ready to release and whip someone; and that someone was her.

No matter how many times she threw up, she could still taste the salt and tequila on her tongue from two Tuesdays before. It tasted like regret.

[i'm just as lost as you are]

[i'm just as lost as you are]

we played basketball in the driveway until the sun went down
he taught me how to almost beat him in pool and how to fix a frown

we danced in the kitchen when power went out and he told me stories at night
I never imagined a day where he wouldn’t be there to turn off the light

it had been a while since I’d seen him until today when we went for a walk
we traveled all around town just creating more time for us to talk

tonight he sang me a lullaby and laid in bed with me until 7
he kissed my forehead and tucked me in and floated back up to that place we call heaven

[i'm just as lost as you are]

Daddy

we played basketball in the driveway until the sun went down

he taught me how to almost beat him in pool and how to fix a frown

we danced in the kitchen when power went out and he told me stories at night

I never imagined a day where he wouldn’t be there to turn off the light

it had been a while since I’d seen him until today when we went for a walk

we traveled all around town just creating more time for us to talk

tonight he sang me a lullaby and laid in bed with me until 7

he kissed my forehead and tucked me in and floated back up to that place we call heaven

[i'm just as lost as you are]

[i'm just as lost as you are]

You have moments where you think you’re over it and then you have others where you cry on the bathroom floor wondering why you weren’t good enough.

Late Night Thoughts #2  (via s-trawberryveins)

[i'm just as lost as you are]

[cuntakinte]

I hate playing “never have I ever” because I’m a fucking slut

[domdean]

I hate playing “never have I ever” because I’m a fucking virgin

[yourehidingfrommenow]

you will never know which of these two statements reign true for people who reblogs this and that bothers me

[i'm just as lost as you are]

[sexpectinq]

sometimes I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again

[i'm just as lost as you are]

[i'm just as lost as you are]

[i'm just as lost as you are]

[i'm just as lost as you are]

[curiovsly]

I honestly love drunk girls so much, last night I was at a party and a girl started crying because she loved my hair

[i'm just as lost as you are]

what do you dream about?

[emotionless-wasteland]

I dream about the day when I wake up and you aren’t the first thing that comes to mind. I imagine a late night that isn’t cluttered with thoughts of you. A time without you, or us, or that night. A time where I wake up, and I think about me. A time where I’m laying in bed, filled with thoughts about myself. A time where I can smile and say “I’m okay’ without having to turn away directly after to wipe the tear from the corner of my eye. But, until then, I’ll keep dreaming.

[i'm just as lost as you are]

[untalks]

message me if you need to talk x